For example, an adult sibling who grew up with a parent struggling with addiction might have learned to avoid conflict and “fix” problems to hold the family together. This not only allows the harmful behavior to continue but also creates stress, guilt, and resentment for the parent, trapping both in an unhealthy cycle. While it might feel like you’re helping in the moment, this behavior often makes it harder for the addicted person to change or grow. For example, a helper might assist a loved one in finding a therapist or attending support meetings if they’re struggling with mental health or substance use issues. An enabler is a person who allows someone close to them to continue unhealthy or self-destructive patterns of behavior. “Enabler” is a highly stigmatized term that often comes with a lot of judgment.
In some cases, an enabler might even take on the person’s responsibilities in order to keep things running smoothly in their life. From the perspective of hope-based enablers, the addict or alcoholic will always appear to be on the verge of making a positive breakthrough. Family members fear that if they stop providing support to the substance user, they will lose all of the progress that they’ve made. Of course, this progress is often a lie used to secure further enabling support.
It’s not what the Enabling is doing for the addiction or mental health condition, it’s what it is doing for the family.
Once you’ve decided on specific limits—like no longer lending money—stick to them. This consistent follow-through helps establish accountability. They can’t do that if you always bail them out of trouble. It may be hard, but it’ll be better for them in the enabled person meaning long run.
What Causes Enabling Behavior?
It’s only when the person who has been helped continues to act irresponsibly and avoid consequences that the difference between an honest favor and enabling becomes evident. When an enabler stops enabling, the person with an alcohol or drug addiction may have an easier time seeking help. Fortunately, treatment programs are available when they’re ready to change.
- Enabling behaviors lack boundaries and perpetuate the problem.
- If we are irresponsible, usually there is a negative consequence that follows from the bad decision.
- However, it is often because they think that things will get worse if they aren’t there for their loved ones in the way they think they need them.
- These suggestions can help you learn how to empower your loved one instead.
You Engage in the Same Behaviors Around Them
Without that motivation, there is little reason for the addict to change. They figure their loved ones need “tough love.” They need to just be thrown out into the world to deal with their problems alone. With financial dependency, a person might provide excessive support for another person, causing them to not face the full consequences of their actions. Desperate enabling causes stress and difficult challenges for everyone involved. An enabler might do things because they fear that things will be worse if they don’t help them in the way that they do.
The Impact of Enabling on Mental Health: A Closer Look
This makes them feel it’s okay if they get in trouble because you’ll be there to bail them out. Because you’re close to the person in need, you don’t want to believe they’re doing what they’re doing. By stepping in to “solve” the addict’s problems, the enabler takes away any motivation for the addict to take responsibility for his or her own actions.
Unfortunately, though, this well-meaning impulse can backfire tragically when addiction is part of the equation. The enabled person lives in the same world, with the same rules, as everybody else. Managing their world for them means that they don’t learn to manage themselves within the world. He or she is very likely to have untapped internal and external resources which have not been utilized because the enabling pattern has short-circuited their growth.
- It’s often frightening to think about bringing up serious issues like addiction once you’ve realized there’s a problem.
- Becoming aware of the beliefs that enable enabling can be useful all by itself.
- There is a fine line between providing support and enabling.
- If the addict you are enabling is in treatment, then you, too, should take part in the process.
This may be true in regards to hoping for something better. Our experience and research show, families are never on the same page, not even close. They are all at various points emotionally and have taken on unhealthy roles that pits one against the other. As this occurs the substance is allowed to continue while the family is lost and at odds.
Four Types of Enabling
Healthy help puts your loved one in control and allows you to take a secondary role. On your side of the boundary, this means that you must learn to cope with, and internally manage, the anxiety of not being in control of your loved one. Many recovering enablers find that they must rely on their own sources of support to help them overcome the urge to control and enable.
Breaking this pattern can be the first step toward breaking the cycle of harmful behavior. They may work with you in exploring why you’ve engaged in enabling behaviors and what coping skills you can develop to stop those. They can also help you learn ways to empower, rather than enable, your loved one.
It can also end up in worsened outcomes in relationships and the overall situation, as destructive behaviors continue they come with higher risk. Enabling another person’s behavior also can lead to them struggling for longer periods of time, since they never learn the skills they need to break out of the destructive cycle they are in. An example of an enabler can be someone who supports another person’s alcohol addiction.
You might avoid talking about it because you’re afraid of acknowledging the problem. You or your loved one may not have accepted there’s a problem. You might even be afraid of what your loved one will say or do if you challenge the behavior. This help is ultimately not helpful, as it usually doesn’t make a problem entirely go away.
This might look like covering up their behaviors or lying to protect them. Generational trauma is one example—patterns like “family always takes care of each other” can be passed down in ways that discourage healthy boundaries or accountability. Without setting healthy boundaries, these patterns can prevent both people from growing and lead to frustration, resentment, and burnout. Enabling behavior is when someone unintentionally supports or encourages another person’s harmful habits or choices. Many people who are enablers may not be trying to be or be aware that they are enabling their loved ones. Support groups like Al-Anon may be useful for people whose loved ones are living with addiction.